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The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys' side of the story.We always hear "the rules "From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.These are "our rules !Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE not mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.We need it up, you need it down.You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do somethingOr tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as motorcycles, tools, and golf.
1. You have enough clothes
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Slinkies.

Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

Common Sense:

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.
Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles. When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen, anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.”

Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around. Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

What is it with me....

It seems I cant leave anything alone. For instance, about 2 months ago, i bought a motorcycle. Yes, i know, what was i thinking? I actually paid money for a motorcycle? Well, its been a great two months and me and "Alice" have had a lot of fun. She recently developed a habit of smoking when She first starts up. Well, I says to myself, i can fix that. So, 45 minutes later, it goes from this:




to this:

So, in the meantime, I think to myself, this is a perfect opportunity to install my new 12 volt conversion kit, 12:1 high comp. piston, longer duration cam, and oversized carb. All this on the bike that was bone stock, and i was going to keep it that way because its such a high demand collectors item. (said tounge-in-cheek...) Well mom and dad, at least you know where i'll be when you get here....

Jetskis are for sissys.

http://webpages.charter.net/450f_rdr/K_W_hydro.wmv The title says it all.

Leaving the Lights on.

Whats with men and their garage? It seems like almost every man I know has a fascination with garages, a fascination akin to what most people consider the infatuation that men have for power tools. Okay, maybe not ALL men, but a lot of them.

A mans home is his castle? Uhh, no. Theres someone else in charge there. Don't get me wrong, bieng in charge is not all its cracked up to be. I would hate to be the one that has to get me to take out the garbage, vacuum, put up the backsplash, finish the basement, or whatever the case may be. The garage however, is MY castle. You can always slink away to the garage in dull moments, moments of happines, and sometimes moments of anger. Sometimes you can even sleep in your garage! I have yet to experience that, although I'm trying to talk Sarah into living in a big garage someday...

The trick, then, is to find ways in which you can cross the border from one kingdom to the next. Luckily, taking the garbage out leads down a path that goes right past the garage! I also like to hedge my bets: if I ever DO make it out to the garage, I "accidentally" leave the lights on. A staple in our house is, "I'll be right back, I have to go turn the lights off in the garage. See you in an hour"

Mind Tricks.

Do you remember things that nobody else does? For example, I can recal with great clarity going out to play one morning. For some reason we had some people over for a big meal, but it seems like the meal was a breafast. Maybe someone was visiting from afar? I dont remember that part.

Anyways, I went out to play. On this particular day I found myself in the lean-to part of the barn where the pig food and old pull-type combine were stored. I dont remember if I had just fed the pigs (my chore at the farm) but I was running up the conveyor belt on the combine like it was a tread mill.

Next thing I know I'm hanging face down by my shirt, which had snagged on one of the blades on the front of the combine as I had slid accross them. I couldnt reach the ground, the combine, or my shirt, so of course I did the only thing any self respecting 6(?) year old would do- screamed bloody murder! Someone (dad, i think it was you, but my memory is kind of foggy on this part) eventually came running out and unhooked me from the combine.

I dont think I ever played on that combine again...

Happy birthday to ME!

Okay, not me, but thats the only way Isaac will sing it. Hope your birthday was a good one! We celebrated by sleeping untill noon (yes, even kade and isaac), then i spent the rest of the day wiping noses and administering antibiotics. it was great. I was then forced to take a 2 hour nap, which i didnt need, so of course it took me until 1:00 this morning to fall asleep. World, here i come!!

GROUNDBREAKING NEWS!!!

Dad, it IS possible! This post is to bid fairwell to a good friend. Not as good as some, she was only a part of the family for about a month. My heart was heavy as we loaded her into the back of the adoptive families truck, but hey. I'm sure I can find another bike to put the money towards!

A Riddle for Steve...

The limit is X, but Y is the velocity. Lets say that X - Y = Z. How much is Z?

oh great. hes one of THOSE kids....

Maybe we should have named him Napoleon... or bubble boy. Currently he wont go anywhere without his "spiderhat" and glasses. Currently, we wont go anywhere either. At least, not out in public. Kade appears to be a little more normal and so far has less calvin&hobbes tendancies. At least, Kade hasnt dumped a hole thing of dishsoap out on the glider-rocker stool and floor, and doesnt run around in only underpants... time will tell.














Sorry for the crappy phone camera pics...

Faith is....

Faith is driving a 36 year old pickup. Faith is driving that pickup more than 15 minutes away from home. Faith is taking that pickup, knowing that NONE of the gauges work, *hoping* you filled it the last time you drove it (remember, the gas gauge doesnt work), and driving it 65 miles away. REAL faith is then taking that pickup and getting on the freeway in fairly heavy traffic and winding it out to a whopping 75 miles per hour. BLIND faith is then saying to yourself, "Ah, she can take it" and bumping that speed up to 80 for another 20 miles. Man, I love the sound of a screaming 360. I guess you could say I have Faith in FORD!

Do you ever wonder why?

This picture was taken by my Mother while she was over in Mississippi. The question just begs to be asked: "Why?"? What were they thinking? "Oh, I just had some spare cash and hadn't paid tuition yet, so i figured, what better way to get the chicks!". Sorry dude. Just not working for me.

Same thing with Mississippi. My philosophy is that someone had been outside in Alasaka for a couple of days with no coat, had a serious case of the shivers, and was trying to write "my sippy" to their two year old. What with the shivers and all, it came out as Mississippi.

Okay, okay, so I really do like the wheels, the car, and the spelling. I guess I just wish I had some extra cash and a bad case of the shivers!

Licking 9 volt batterries!

No, I've never done it. But in preperation for the wiring Dad and I are going to be doing to my house this week, I remembered a great experience I had with 120 volts and substantially more current. Or rather, an experience my friend Clinton had. It even happened in a garage! (just not dorkpunch garage).

Late one evening, much to Clints neighbours disdain, we were working on one of his killer snowmobiles, a John Deere 340 Liquifire. Incedentally, this is the same sled i jumped the Ridge Park Highway on, but thats a different story.

The sled was having carb troubles at the time and we had been trying to sync them out in the alley. It got dark and we gave up and pulled the sled into the garage. Clints shop was a pretty nice setup, although it was seriously lacking in electrical outlets and lighting at the time. To this end, we had set up a set of those fancy floodlights-on-a-stand setups to illuminate our hardships. The extension cord ran from the outlet on the wall across the bay to the light stand. When we pulled the sled inside, we drove it right in to this fancy bay and popped the hood.

Now, for those of you who arent to familiar with snowmobiles, on the bottom of the ski are wearbars. They keep the ski from wearing holes through them. In these wearbars are sharp little peices of metal called skags. Remeber how we had the shop set up? With the extension cord on the floor? Well, we drove the sled right across it. Actually, we parked it with the skis resting on top of the cord, which at this point had two nice cuts in it from the skis.

Good thing it wasnt plugged in! We commenced working.

It quickly became evident that we were in need of further illumination. I was convienently close to the outlet, so i reached over and plugged it in.

Several things happened in short order. We'll just skip the part about the electricity joltling through the skis, arcing across the tie rods, and seeking out a ground. It was pretty cool to see three guys LEAP away from the sled. It took me a little longer to figure out what the deal was and why there were 3 guys just itching to plug me in...

Dontcha just hate it when your boogers freeze?

I sure do. Especialy when they freeze because its been 7 deg F for the last three days. Dang 'rents drug the weather down with em from Canada. What makes it even worse is that i almost had a free weekend and i couldve gone riding. *sigh*. On a brighter note- I got a new motorcycle!! Well, new to me. Steveo, you would like it- its a '71 Kawasuky F6- just like your old one but its a 125. I still think you shoulda hung on to that 250... Why is it that i cant ever let bikes go?

Hmm. Having re-read what I just wrote, I admit defeat. I'm to tired to change it though.... Only 9:30 and its about 3 hrs past my bedtime... g'night. *yaaawwnn*

The Pits

No, I'm not talking about Monday mornings, crappy deoderent, or melancholy feelings. I'm talking about the game. Pit. For some reason, this stupid little game really likes me. Maybe its just the fun of screaming "one one one one one two two two two two two two okay one here who'll take three three three" for an hour. Maybe its the exhiliration of playing with women, who have sharp fingernails and dont care if your hand is in the way of the card they want.

Anways, the 'rents came for a day or two, and we had a great time with them and friends playing pit last night. Hopefully their trip goes better than Steveos (aka goobersuckweasel) trip to Washington. Anyone wanna buy a Mitsubishi Mighty Max?

how NOT to dispose of unwanted vehicles.

Sorry Stevo, this tops the pics of the truck jumping in your blog. dP not to be held responsible for poor taste in music.

http://www3.telus.net/minizuk/More_Stuff/rangerdanger.wmv

Supposedly 147 feet in a Ford Ranger.

Succumbing to temptations...

Today, Feb. 2, 2006, at 4:27 p.m., Lula broke free from her mighty cocoon and awoke with a magnificent rumble. After a brief but very exciting stint from the garage to the road, Lula and i went for a short jaunt through the countryside on fairly clear roads. Then, after another brief but exciting trip down the icey pothole filled alley, she re-entered her slumber, hopefully for a much shorter time. Obviously, the picture of Lula was not taken recently. Its from last summer.

Things that go "squirt" in the night...

I used to be scared of things that went "bump" in the night. Things like Freddy Kruger, Jason, and that freaky frozen guy that would keep me under the covers not daring to breath at night. Well, Freddy, do your worst. You dont scare me anymore! Not unless you go "squirt".

Squirt, you say? Maybe I should elaborate a little bit. its more of a "skwe-EEERRRRRRTTT" most of the time. Some times its a much shorter but higher powered "SKWORT".

These are the deadly ones, as my wife found out the other night. Of course, this would be the night we are down to 2 diapers, the night she decided that the baby would probably be okay if she sampled some home made jalapeno bread. And, of course, the "SKWORT" would follow the "skwe-EEEERRRRRTT" by about two minutes, giving enough time that the diaper would be removed. This, of course, allowed us to observe the full power of the un-muffled and un-restrained "SKWORT". Remember Super Soakers? How they could shoot this huge stream of water 50 ft? They've got nothing on a good healthy newborn baby "SKWORT". I love changing the sheets and wall color at 1:00 in the morning...

temptations...

In the middle of each January, I get a bill. I kind of like this bill, as it is a sign of spring. When the bill comes, it makes me think of spring and summer and fall, nice weather, barbecues, and the wind in your face. Yes, this bill is the insurance renewal for my motorcycle.
Of course, thinking about spring and summer and fall, nice weather, barbecues, and the wind in your face can make one quite grumpy. Especially when the motorcycle is locked in the shop awaiting those spring and summer and fall days, awaiting a time void of slush and mud and cold and snow. I just cant decide weather or not I like those tempting little morsels of joy on the horizon... As mamma always used to say, be happy with what you've got, not sad for what you've not. Or something like that. Mmmm. I love heavy wet snow.